For many people, photography can be a way to help them when they are suffering from anxiety and/or depression. It gives them something positive to focus on, something with no real consequences to calm them, frees them to be creative, and find peace in the outdoors. Several years ago, that wasn’t the case for me. I had been spending a couple of years working hard at trying to really improve my photography and had wanted to try to shift from simply documenting things to more creative and fine art type images. This put a huge amount of pressure on me whenever I went out or thought about going out with my camera, particularly if it was to do landscape photography and not a genre or technique that I felt I was still in the early phases of learning. That pressure, combined with increased levels of both anxiety and depression from other factors in my life, meant I was finding it next to impossible to do any photography.

      By June of 2018, it had been months since I had even been able to leave the house with my camera. I desperately wanted to get out there to take pictures, but when the time would come to grab my gear and leave, my mind would spiral to the point of the only way I could even leave the house was to leave the camera behind. My friend Lynn wanted to get out and go to the beautiful White Mountains in New Hampshire to enjoy the wonderful spring weather. With her help, I was not only able to leave the house for a great adventure but was able to bring my camera along, as well. This is the story of that trip.

      We didn’t know yet if we would make any stops or simply do a relaxing scenic drive. It didn’t really matter. We were going to have a great time, enjoy the scenery, and soak in the sun and fresh air along the way. Having no pressure to take photos or to even have a particular destination played a big part in my being able to bring the camera. I also brought along my new GoPro, thinking I might be able to do some more experimenting with it to learn how it works and what settings looked best.

      We eventually arrived at Pinkham Notch in the White Mountain National Forest. Typically whenever Lynn and I would go to the mountains, we would either end up on the Kancamagus Highway or over at Crawford Notch. I think this was the first time the two of us had headed to this part of the mountains. This was a bit sentimental for me, as growing up, my family and I, and especially my dad and I, pretty much only ever went to Pinkham Notch when we came to the mountains. As we drove through the area and all the memories came flooding in, it felt like it had been a lifetime ago since I’d last been there. When we came across the redesigned parking area for Glen Ellis Falls, we decided to stop.

      It’s a short walk to the falls, so while there were a lot of cars in the parking lot, we spent most of the time alone on the trail. We walked slowly, stopping often to look at the views or some small detail in the woods or river beside us. It was extremely relaxing and so peaceful. The trail parallels the road, but you forget that almost immediately as the trees hide it from view. The river meanders to your left, tumbling through rocks and then collecting in shallow pools, before finally cascading down the large cliff. There’s an overlook right at the top of the falls before the trail starts descending through the forest to meet back up with the river near the base of the falls.

      When we finally made it down to the pool below the falls, we found a few folks there enjoying the beautiful sight. They were all being polite, taking turns getting photographs before moving back for other people. Before long, they had all left, and Lynn and I had the place to ourselves. I wanted to get my own photos, and with no one around, it was the perfect opportunity. I was too nervous, though, to set up my tripod, pull out my filters, and do a proper job of it. However, I did take out my camera and snapped a few quick photos of the waterfall. I knew they wouldn’t be any good, that the waterfall would be blown out, massively overexposed from the sun shining directly on it. But, honestly, I didn’t care. I was just happy that I’d brought my camera, felt the urge to take some photos, and actually worked up the courage to do so. It was a huge step forward for me.

Glen Ellis Falls lit by the midday sun. The water is too bright from the sunlight, and the shaded section doesn't have the silky water effect that I prefer for waterfalls, but it doesn't matter. I wanted to take photos and was able to do so, and that was the important thing. It's not perfect, but it's a photo, my photo, my memory, and is great for what it is. White Mountain National Forest, New Hampshire

      After a little while, more people started showing up again, and Lynn and I were ready to head out. We slowly started the walk back up to the road and our car. I had been playing with my GoPro on the way down, but it had died not long after we made it to the bottom. So, heading back up, I was able to relax even more, fully immerse myself in the sights, sounds, and smells of the nature around us.

      By the time we made it back to the parking lot, I found myself itching to take some more photos. There had been a couple of birch trees near the start of the path with a carpet of beautiful tiny white flowers beneath them. I absolutely love birch trees, and the scene had just been so pretty. I asked Lynn if she minded if I ran back to get a few photos. She knew how much I’d been struggling and how much it meant that I wanted to do this, so of course, she was fine with it. I left everything in the jeep, taking only my camera, no tripod or accessories. I headed back down the trail and spent several minutes taking photos of the lovely birch tree and the flowers from a multitude of angles. Unlike down at the waterfall, I didn’t feel a single bit of anxiety, just peace and happiness as I clicked away.

The beautiful birch tree and white flowers lit by the dappled sunlight. White Mountain National Forest, New Hampshire

Some detail of the birch bark and tiny flowers. White Mountain National Forest, New Hampshire

Two tiny flowers tucked up next to the birch tree. White Mountain National Forest, New Hampshire

A larger view of the scene with the various trees, rocks, and flowers. White Mountain National Forest, New Hampshire

      I’m quite proud of those photos. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel anxious when taking them as opposed to the waterfall images. It could be some weird thing where my mind says waterfall = landscape versus flowers and trees = experimenting with smaller details. If that’s the case, it makes no sense. Forest scenes are just as much landscape photography as waterfall scenes are. It could be I’d had more of a chance to relax by then, having spent more time in nature by the end of the hike than in the middle of it. It could be because I didn’t have the tripod and filters so there was no pressure to do a ‘proper’ photo shoot. It could be that they weren’t the main attraction. None of the other people on the trail cared about the trees and the flowers. I wasn’t in anyone’s way. Or, it could be something else entirely.

      In the end, though, it doesn’t matter. I had a wonderful day out with a friend and was able to have fun with my camera again. It didn’t magically cure me of my anxiety or depression. I still had (and continue to have) days where it was hard to get out with my camera. But, it was a successful day, and it broke the ice. It was a step towards helping me not put so much pressure on myself so I can try to just enjoy my time with my camera taking photos again. Obviously, I want to take good photos and to improve as a photographer. But, I’ve come to the realization that I’d rather just be out there and have fun, get images to record my life and experiences for memories long into the future, than to not take a photo because it wouldn’t be ‘any good’. I love photography. It’s something that has always nurtured my soul, and it’s a part of who I am. I need to honor that and put that above trying to satisfy some arbitrary perceived requirement for being a photographer. So, these photos, and this little adventure with Lynn will always be something I’m proud of.

The beautiful tiny white flowers that helped make it such a wonderful day out with my camera. White Mountain National Forest, New Hampshire